Clear Containers: from Genital Rubbing to Depth — Nimbus cloud grey
For those who have been following my Fifty Shades of Connection — from violently disconnected to blissfully connected sex from the very beginning, we are entering new and exciting territory! We are leaving the shadow behind and gearing up for an increasing amount of blissful authentic connection!!! I am so thrilled about this. We started with the grimmer sides of connection, or non-existent connection as in sexual assault, and made our way through the various shades and shadows of sex. The shadow basically shows up in sex anytime we are hurting another person or taking advantage of them in some way or form, whether it be explicit or concealed, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Some shadows are very obvious, but others such as sexual vampirism can be very subtle, even tricky! If you haven’t read the post on sexual vampirism, be sure to do so. It’s a pre-requisite for up-levelling our sexual connection!
For blissfully connected sex, you need to learn the skill of eating and digesting your very own shadow, as growing is, of course, an on-going process. Up-levelling to higher states of sex means you understand what “deferring” or “leaking” your power actually means and you take ownership for where this is happening in your life. To have powerfully connected sex, you need to seal up your sacred vessel from any energy leakage. You also need to truly own your sexual/spiritual power and learn how to work with it, as opposed to deferring it to someone else or something else. To experience this truly sacred magic, you have to show up as a fully responsible co-creator.
This doesn’t mean the shadow won’t come back to play, it really loves to play hide-and-go-seek! But there is a clear commitment to transparency. This is why I call this new segment: clear containers or clear contracts. When concluding a business deal between different parties, an exchange of “energy” will occur in the form of goods, services, and money. A sexual exchange is essentially the same thing: an exchange of potent life forces — our very own sacred energy. Just like in any ideal fair exchange, there needs to be transparency. That way, people know what they are getting into and can decide if “yes” or “no” they actually want to conclude the very deal. If we hide our true intentions, this is when we slip back into sexual vampirism. Conversely, to enter a clear transparent contract means that we have fully disclosed the nature of the sexual encounter. This clear contract becomes the healthy container in which you can then share your energy without taking advantage of someone or being used by them.
Contracts can be as simple as agreeing on keeping the exchange uniquely on the physical level. As relationships deepen, contracts deepen too by involving other parts of yourself, notably your heart, your mind and your spiritual essence.
Sex as “Genital rubbing”—- Stainless steel
“Genital rubbing” is basically the mere mechanics of sex, without involving anything else of your being. No heart, no feelings, no spiritual connection, just the bare basics of rubbing each other’s genitals and getting off. The important thing here is to have a body that essentially allows you to get off, a body that will give you a “hit” or a “high.” Here, we have left the sphere of sexual vampirism by being very clear with the intentions of what will happen. Essentially, both have agreed to not really be interested in getting to know each other, nor deepening the relationship with feelings. You have mutually agreed to simply get off on each other. You want to get a buzz and that is it. Since you are essentially doing it for yourself, without involving your heart, it remains in the sphere of self-serving, but you have both agreed to adopt this mindset, so it is reciprocal!
Yet, it is probably safe to say that since we are humans, with emotions and feelings, it is probably very hard to remain in this situation for a very long time— unless, of course, you are completely blocked off from your feeling life, and this may give you a nudge to figuring out why your heart is actually numb! It is also important to note that our psyches can deceive us. You may think you are scheduling a mere session of “genital rubbing” with a stranger, the contract may seem very clear, but the reality is that you may unconsciously want more. I’ve heard people want to just “fuck” or “be fucked,” but then realize they are actually disappointed because they wanted or needed more. You may actually be looking for more depth and love but don’t know how to get there. You may even be engaging in such a contract hoping that it might open up to more. But the reality of this type of contract is that it is essentially designed for easy disposable sex without attachments. If your intentions are not clear here, you will slip down the spectrum and enter the murky and depleting grounds of sexual vampirism.
With “genital rubbing,” you may be getting a physical workout, some good kicks, but after awhile, a feeling of hollowness may arise, since nothing but your physical self is engaged, while neglecting all the other parts of your being that make you fully human.
Light and playful sex! — Billowing cumulus
The next shade on the spectrum involves new elements in the contract: both agree that it is just for fun — no strings attached. There is an authentic foundation of respect and concern for each other’s well-being, without necessarily having really deep feelings (yet). They want to pleasure their partner and essentially are enjoying the moment. Here, the line has been clearly drawn: no commitment, no expectations. When both people agree to this, and clarity reigns, it can make room for light and playful fun. This is a little bit more involved than simple genital rubbing since trust and mutual respect invite sharing. “Self-interest” is now replaced with “interest” in the other person. The lightheartedness tells us the heart is actually present, albeit it “lightly.” It is all fun and play— and stays that way.
This light and playful fun can also result from potential. It’s just not clear yet what the potential is. You don’t know where the relationship is leading you, but both of you are open and interested. It is in a transitional stage. In the beginning, it is alive and has potential to become more. The future is not clear yet and the energy bringing you together is carrying you. Maybe the energy will eventually dissipate, which can end the relationship or perhaps retrograde you down the spectrum. It can also be the doorway to opening your heart up even more: to either friendship or deeper feelings of love.
Here, sex is essentially light, playful, fun and healthy! Your body feels refreshed and good. Your energy fields are mutually nourished and enlivened. Potential and genuine reciprocal interest are palpable. It is a period of exploration within a space of mutual respect and consideration. It is very exciting for both partners as it is new, fresh and full of hope. It comes with the joy and excitement of discovering someone new. It fills you both with energy— it’s a definite buzz. A shared buzz. It’s light and playful sex but this time with potential!
Hello Heart! — Silver lining
When you involve the heart in sex, a new dimension enters into the experience: depth of feeling, anywhere from lightheartedness to more deeply rooted feelings. Not only are you physically involved, but your heart is engaged as well. This allows for a whole new level of connection and scope for satisfaction. Opening the heart means that your actions are guided by a genuine heartfelt interest in the other person. In her book Shake your Soul Song, Devi Ward refers to love as “the joy of bringing happiness and pleasure to the other person.” With the heart involved, we distance ourselves from being purely motivated by our self-interest. We are compelled by love for the other person. The interest in the other person as a multi-layered individual suddenly allows for a much deeper connection and respect for them, their integrity, their becoming as well as care for their body.
As love grows, sex becomes less and less motivated by self-interest. There is a desire to give to the other person, as opposed to simply taking. Yet, opening up one’s heart is not necessarily an easy thing to do: you have to be vulnerable, ask the bulldog to heel. Fear has a way of keeping the heart from opening and fully disclosing itself. Opening one’s heart means accepting to enter a place of vulnerability, where you strive for authenticity, accept to reveal yourself, be truthful about who you are and what you feel. And this is pretty challenging for many, particularly if you’re scared of getting hurt. It’s even more difficult if you’ve already been hurt! The hurt can be related to previous lovers, but not always. It can also be linked to varying degrees of emotional trauma previously experienced in your life. In order to love, opening the door means accepting to go beyond one’s coping mechanisms. When you manage to do this, the return is tremendous. Opening one’s heart allows for more depth, more feeling, more fulfilling sex. But, it also involves discovering your fears and wounds, which you will be invited to overcome if you want to deepen the relationship.
We are slowly warming up the waters! The next exciting marker is the actual groundwork for bliss: The Groundwork for Co-Creative Sex, that will be posted on the 16th of March, just in time for St-Patrick’s day! We are definitely getting to the juicy stuff so don’t miss out and click “follow”!
If you are needing help sorting out what a healthy container looks like and help navigate all the confusion that can come with it, you are welcome to reach out for my help by booking a session with me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Julie Archambault is a certified multi-dimensional healer in the Akashic Records. She is a master at creating a safe vessel for magical and deep healing to occur. The power she channels for your accelerated healing is profound and truly sacred.
THE BIG MARKERS ON THE SPECTRUM:
11. The Groundwork for Co-creative Sex — mining silver
12. Showing up for Co-creative Sex — Pure Silver
13. Consciously cultivating connected-sex — Liquified silver
14. The ultimate marriage of eros, love, and sexuality — Blooming silver stardust